Anyone with even a passing knowledge of sex toys knows about the Doxy. Every sex blogger lusts after them. So many kinksters love them that I once counted 9 in a single room at a play party. They’re the industry standard and that standard is fucking high.
For anyone who doesn’t know, a Doxy is a big, ridiculously powerful wand vibrator. It delivers wonderful rumbling vibrations which make a lot of people extremely happy. It’s expensive but soooooo worth it if you can afford one (and don’t mind the noise). Pretty much every review agrees (though as is often the case, GOTN said it best). But as always I want to do more and bring my own perspective. I want to answer the questions nobody else is brave enough to ask.
Can the Doxy do my taxes?
I showed my Doxy the HMRC website and we began going through the self-assessment criteria together. I left it alone for a couple of minutes and when I came back it was face down on the keyboard crying and begging for me to stop and show mercy (ironically a reaction I often use it to elicit from others).
Conclusion: A Doxy has the exact same response to tax returns as I do, I don’t recommend relying on either of us.
Can my Doxy help me sound like a Doctor Who villain?
“The Doxy” sounds like the name of a Doctor Who villain, but can it make you sound like one of the existing villains in Doctor Who? Several of the villainous species (for example the Daleks and Cybermen) are voiced using digitally distorted speech patterns. So can holding the vibrator against your lips simulate this?! This question has plagued humanity for years, so I took up the challenge, and shared the results below.
Conclusion: It’s not perfect but it definitely helps. Further research needed before arranging a meeting with the BBC.
Can I use my Doxy to summon a sex demon?
So admittedly this is only my
first, no wait … third attempt at summoning a sex demon so maybe I messed up the technical specifications. Virgin blood is rare in my social circle and the ash of a sacred text seemed like a lot of faff, so I etched the profane geometry with face paint instead. Also the candles smelled of vanilla and citrus rather than the tears of the damned. However the ritual failed to summon even a minor handjob imp, so I think its unlikely even without these substitutions the ritual would be successful.
Conclusion: The best way to get off with a Doxy is directly, using it to summon an incubus isn’t feasible
Can my Doxy assess the global impact of rising inequality?
As you can see it was eager to get stuck into a very timely and important topic. It grasped the key concepts outlined in Stiglitz’s seminal work with commendable speed. However it seems to lack the critical reading skills needed to assess the neoliberal biases contained by a lot of economic literature on this topic. This is combined with the Doxy’s ineptitude in empirical analysis, and its inability to appreciate the inherently interconnected nature of political, social, and economic inequality.
Conclusion: It can learn and reproduce the existing thinking on the topic, but sadly lacks the skills to conduct independent research. Its unlikely it’ll ever produce anything of merit on such a topic.
The Doxy is an excellent vibrator. It shows some promise in the other areas I tested it in, but it’s far better at making you orgasm. If you want your taxes sorted, hire an accountant. A voice modulator is the best way to sound like a Cyberman. To get fucked by a sex demon, come to one of my parties. Hire a specialist for in-depth analysis in a complex field of socio-economic policy. But if you want a vibrator that leaves you a cross eyed mess, get a Doxy.