So Tired

CW: Depression, Transphobia

I sat down today not sure what I wanted to write about, so fuck knows what y’all are gonna get. Normally I write about transness on Tuesdays. Originally I tried to do this through Trans Joy, as a way to centre the positive side of trans experiences. But my mental health has been deteriorating, and I’m finding it harder and harder to find joy in the world. Partly it’s because of … *gestures vaguely at the pandemic, and other environmental, political, and economic trash fires* … this shit. Partly its because I’m unemployed (during the worst recession in almost a century), and dreading having to rely on the benefits system again.

But one of the biggest factors is that being publicly trans is fucking exhausting. Yes I know I’ve written about this before, I’ll stop moaning about it when it stops being relevant. A few days ago Mx Nillin, a respected blogger whose helped lead the fight for trans inclusivity in sex blogging, quit twitter and cut ties with the sex blogging community. They spent a full year actively fighting transphobia through various means. Eventually they said enough is enough, and stopped pouring energy into fighting bigotry in an all too often indifferent community.

All too often this is simply what fighting bigotry does. Activists and community members are drained as they push back against a system which is set up to exploit, degrade, and marginalise them.

Knowing how many people hate me for being trans is exhausting. Responding with anger pushes people away, and if I’m not careful that anger will consume me. Anger takes energy, and while righteous fury feels powerful in the moment, eventually it makes me bitter and increasingly angry. Trying to educate takes up time and energy, it also often means I have to value the feelings of the privileged over my own, and at the end of that work people will often walk away without listening to a damn word I said. Too often trying to make jokes about it feels like repackaging my pain in a more palatable.

I’m fucking exhausted, and I’m not well. I’m not writing this as a cry for help. But I do think it’s worth sharing.

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